confession - I'm a Christian who has struggled with my faith
“You aren’t alone in your anxiety. Feelings of anxiety don’t mean you love Jesus any less. ”
Hey friends, I’m really happy you’re here.
Growing up a Christian, we are taught to “give our troubles and anxieties to God”, but what happens when you feel you can’t? I struggled with this concept for most of my adult life (and still do to this day). Anxiety and faith can be a confusing tango that some experience. We might be worried about something in our personal lives like finances or a loved one’s health, so as Christians we are taught to talk to God in these situations. For some people, this conversation with God can bring instant relief as they have given their troubles to Him and can move on with their day. For others who struggle with mental health, we may continue to feel that lingering bout of anxiety. This can lead to questions like, “Do I truly trust God?” or “Do I really love Him like I say I do?” and ultimately make us feel that we failed as Christians.
The time I doubted everything
When I was 20, my dad had passed away. Now, this is not the event that made me question everything. My dad was a Christian with a strong belief in God and he was sick for some time, so his passing didn’t come with any uncertainties or questions. He was in Heaven not suffering anymore. Of course, we missed him and still do to this day, but knowing he’s not in pain anymore helps the situation feel a little more understandable. The event I’m talking about happened a year and a half afterwards.
For about 6 or more months, my mom had a health scare that caused an array of different situations. It involved late night ER visits, time in the IUC, longer drives to appointments with specialists, and ultimately, a major surgery that cured everything. While all of this was happening, I don’t remember thinking about anything. I went numb, per say. My sister and I did what we needed to do to help mom and that was it. But, the minute we knew my mom would be fine after surgery, my numbness fell at my feet and this dam of anxiety burst through. I was suddenly having regular panic attacks, I couldn’t think straight, my anxiety was keeping me on edge constantly. And the craziest thing out of all of it was that even though my mom was completely fine and would make a full recovery, I became mad at God. Instead of thanking Him that mom was going to be fine, my anxiety turned to anger, and I was mad she was even in the situation in the first place, especially so close after dad passed. Looking back now, I realized how selfish I was being towards Him. My mom was fine. God had been there with her through it all and helped the doctors figure out what was going on so she could fully recover. But my naïve, anxiety ridden, 22-year-old self was mad at God and questioned a lot about her faith at the time.
“Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.”
Using my faith to work through my anxieties
Over the years, I started purposely pursuing a relationship with God and realized that in doing so, my anxiety was getting better. I started going to church or listening to sermons on Sundays. I started reading daily devotions. I had deeper conversations with family members and friends about faith. And I started typing out honest prayers to God about how I was feeling. Sure, my anxiety is still there daily, but it feels different somehow because I have this deep understanding that God is with me throughout all of it. So, if I have a day where I feel lost, extremely anxious, or somewhat distant from God, I remember that He understands my mind better than I do and knows what’s in my heart. When we lose sight of our faith, anxiety can creep in pretty easily and become a booming voice in our mind. But if we continue a strong relationship with God, anxiety can become more of a whisper we can tune out easier.
Thank you for being here
If you have ever questioned your faith, you’re not alone. Even if you grew up in a Christian household or maybe attended a Christian school like I did. To be honest, some of the best comfort we can get when questioning our faith is to talk to God directly about it. And it doesn’t have to be a “proper” prayer. It can be a real, honest conversation as if you are talking to a trusted friend or family member. It can include your fears, anger, worries, happiness, tears, sadness, or any other emotion you may be feeling. God wants to hear from you in your most honest voice. Keep the quote below in your heart, especially on the hard days. Stay tuned, friends.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
